Why “Unwavered?”

Well here I am answering this question before you’ve even had a chance to ask - you’re welcome! I’d love to give some insight on where the title of my humble but earnest website and blog came from because it’s a testimony to the faithfulness of God. There’s a lesson in it.

For years I’ve felt the nudge to start a blog. Three years ago I felt it pressing on me heavier than ever, and I whispered a prayer that went a little like this: “If You’ll tell me what to call it, I’ll start it.” I had always wrestled with what I’d name my website and that kept me from moving forward with it. For a few days after I said that simple prayer, I remained prayerful about it and kept my eyes and ears open. One night I was sitting in my car on my phone (please tell me I’m not the only one who scrolls Facebook before going inside) and suddenly the word “unwavered” came into my mind like a thunderclap and I knew. That was my word. That’s what I was supposed to title it. It brought me to tears because that’s how real that bolt of insight from God was.

Not only did I have my title but I also had confirmation that God was, in fact, calling me to do this.

Well that was three years ago and I am just now getting started. I’ve struggled with the fear of failure, stage fright, and just plain procrastination. A quote I came across said something like “Don’t use the excuse of God’s timing to justify your laziness.” Not a direct quote but that was the gist of it. Wow. Talk about a reality check! I knew that it was time to get to work.

It’s been more than a decade since I received a promise from God about my future. I had no idea when it would come to pass, but I definitely didn’t think I’d be waiting for over 10 years. Ten years of waiting. Ten years of what has felt like a David in the sheep field (uh pasture?) experience. Of what has felt like my very own “wandering in the wilderness for 40 years” season. Or Joseph in prison. I know - super dramatic with all the extreme biblical examples but I’m mostly serious. It has been a struggle. My patience has worn thin. My faith has nearly run out on numerous occasions. There have been many, many tears.

A few years ago, Psalm 1:2-3 really spoke to me in a special way. It says:

2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree
    planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.

When I read the tree part, I thought, “This. This is what I want. I feel so dry and being planted by water sounds so refreshing.” That verse jumped out at me and I clung to it. I started praying, “Lord, make me a tree planted by streams of water.”

In the next couple of years, I would experience severe anxiety and depression. I had no idea the highs and lows I was about to encounter.

Fast forward a couple years later, I was smack dab in the middle of a mental health crisis. I was a graduate student, studying counseling, psychology, mental health and all of the related things when out of seemingly nowhere, I was hit with almost crippling anxiety and depression. It hit so quick I didn’t know what was going on. The only way I can describe it is it was like I was a stranger in my own mind. Like someone had turned the lights out. I thought I was going crazy.

I called my pastor in a panic, thinking I was under some kind of spiritual attack (bless his heart). He talked me down and prayed with me. I felt a little better, but I couldn’t shake the weird feeling of both numbness and terror.

I went to the doctor, hoping it was just depression and that I wasn’t losing my sanity. The doctor gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant and referred me to counseling.

My mom stayed with me for a couple weeks. I distinctly remember one night I woke up from a fitful sleep in an irrational panic, and she sang “Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus…” as she stroked my head. Vulnerable, terrifying moments that I’m sharing with you. I was in my mid-20s. This stuff can happen to anyone at anytime. I hope if it happens to you (I pray it doesn’t), that you have a mama like mine, or maybe a spouse or loved one who will sing over you. :)

In hindsight, I’d felt anxiety and depression building over that year (the mental health crisis hit me in September of 2015) but I was unaware of how much worse it could get. I’d struggled with anxiety my entire life and was used to the ebb and flow of it. Never figured it’d get so out of hand. If you’re experiencing anxiety, seek treatment now - it can lessen the severity of it and save you a lot of suffering.

I thought I had failed spiritually or that I was losing my mind and that I’d never be the same. A terrifying, tormenting thought.

As things started to (blessedly, thankfully) level out for me over the next few weeks and months, I got into a relationship. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance and I remember being so thankful that I’d gone through the valley and now, finally, I was on the mountaintop. Brighter days were ahead. Brighter days were here.

It was not to be. The relationship ended suddenly and with that ending came overwhelming grief. It was a great loss to me at the time. I was devastated. This man had become my everything. Those terrifying emotions I’d battled the year before came back and I found myself struggling with extreme anxiety again, on top of the heartbreak. Dark days.

I remember feeling as if I had nothing. Everything had been taken from me.

Thankfully, in that moment, I turned to Jesus. I began getting into the Word. I remember sitting in my closet and crying, talking to Jesus and letting Him comfort me. I began to fall in love with the Word of God. In the years prior, I’d had an irrational fear of the Word - I felt like I couldn’t measure up and with the anxiety clouding my vision, I was afraid of the wrath of God and not acquainted with the Jesus who was relentlessly pursuing me. Before, I’d had trouble reading the Bible. Now, it was a lifeline.

The living and active Word of God brought healing, deliverance, and freedom to this girl who’d been bound by fear for so long. During this time of brokenness and healing, God gave me Jeremiah 3:17 as a verse for the season I was in. I didn’t even know there was another verse in the Bible that mentioned being like a tree by rivers of water but sure enough…

Jeremiah 17:8 says:

8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”

It was like He was saying “Remember when you said you wanted to be like a tree planted by rivers of water? Well, I’m doing the planting.” He’d give me little reminders here and there - I’d be driving and I’d happen to look over and see a tree and know.

Fast forward about 3.5 years later to January of 2021 - I prayed that the Lord would show His love for me that day in some way. Just a little nudge. To my surprise, He answered my prayer! I thought it was so small that He’d probably overlook it (shame on me) but nope, He heard me and honored my request. That day I was in a staff meeting and something that another therapist said triggered a thought in my brain. It was one of those moments where I just knew the thought hadn’t come from me. She said something like, “He’s (God) not going to let her have an idol in her life,” speaking of a woman who was experiencing anxiety and a lack of trust in her fiance and when she said that, it hit me. It wasn’t even really a thought, just a knowing. A realization. A revelation, if you will.

I realized that God had loved me too much to let me keep someone in between Him and I. I’d had an idol in my life - this human being who could never fill the void that only Jesus can.

I don’t believe He caused the heartbreak to happen, but I know He allowed it - and through my suffering, He worked it for my good. The idol was toppled (was first taken from me by force but in my surrender, it became my choice - I gave it freely).

He loves me so much that He cleared it all away, removed all of the distraction, and then kept pulling me toward Him so lovingly. How great is the Father’s love…

I never thought that loss and pain would be a part of my story. This isn’t how I thought it would go.

But through the suffering, waiting, wilderness, sheep pasture experience, I’ve grown stronger in the Lord. My faith is established. I know who I am. I know Who I serve. I’m planted. I’m unwavered.

Because of my past and where God has brought me from, I am able to counsel people in an even more effective way because I’ve been there. I know pain, fear, sadness. I can go there with people.

Only God can do that. That’s something only He can orchestrate.

My broken heart healed over time and I can look back now and be thankful that things worked out like they did. God knows what we need, when we need it.

Meanwhile, through all of this, there has been a thread that has tied my story together. I currently find myself in a season of waiting on the fulfillment of the promise I mentioned at the beginning of my story. I feel that God gave me the title of “Unwavered” based off of Hebrews 10:23 as a way of letting me know that He is faithful and has not forgotten His promise to me. If God has given you a word or a promise, just know - it will come to pass regardless of how long you have waited.

Hebrews 10:23 says:

23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

Rooted and grounded. Planted. Unwavered.